Shticks of One and Half a Dozen of the Other

She wheels her wheelbarrow Through streets that are narrow, Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide So wherever she wheels it, The neighborhood feels it, Her girdle keeps scraping the homes on each side In Dublin's fair city, Where girls are so pretty, My Molly stands out 'cause she weighs eighteen stone (That's two hundreds fifty six pounds) I don't mind her fat but, It's not only that but, She's cockeyed and muscle-bound, Molly Malone I know a man, his name is Lang, And he has a neon sign And Mister Lang is very old, So they call it Old Lang's Sign Oh what have you done, Billy Sol, Billy Sol Oh what have you done, charming Billy You took almost every cent From the US Government, Which you spent on fertilizer, which is silly All day, all night, Cary Grant That's all I hear from my wife, is Cary Grant What can he do that I can't? Big deal, big star, Cary Grant Oh the moon is bright tonight upon the car wash So I'm having my Volkswagen washed again But the way things go with me, the way my luck is, Just as soon as they're finished, it will rain On top of Old Smokey, All covered with hair, Of course I'm referring To Smokey The Bear Every time you take vaccine, Take it orally As you know the other way Is more painfully My grandfather's clock was the best ever made By the Timex company Just like the clock John Cameron Swayze displayed Last night on the old TV Oh it works under water so perfectly, And still makes a ticking sound Which my grandfather tried only this afternoon, And that's how the old man drowned Do not make a stingy sandwich Pile the cold cuts high Customers should see salami Coming through the rye Oh I diet all day and I diet all night, It's enough to drive me bats Got no gravy or potatoes, 'Cause the whole refrigerator's Fulla polyunsaturated fats Fare thee well, Metrecal, And the others of that ilk Let the diet start tomorrow, 'Cause today I'll drown my sorrow In a double malted milk When you go to the delicatessen store, Don't buy the liverwurst Don't buy the liverwurst Don't buy the liverwurst I repeat what I just said before, Don't buy the liverwurst Don't buy the liverwurst Oh buy the corned beef if you must, The pickled herring you can trust, And the lox puts you in orbit AOK But that big hunk of liverwurst Has been there since October First, And today is the Twenty-Third of May So when you go to the delicatessen store, Don't buy the liverwurst Don't buy the liverwurst Don't buy the liverwurst It'll make your insides awful sore Don't buy the liverwurst Don't buy the liverwurst --- Shticks of One and Half a Dozen of the Other - Allan Sherman