Intro

This is Bo Burnham He is twenty-two years old, he's a male And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having s*x with Ellen Degeneres He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples He's isolated himself over the last five years in pursuit of comedy And, in doing so, has lost touch with reality You're an asshole, Bo You hear me? You think you know better than me You think you know better than everybody You will die alone, and you will deserve it But in the meantime, you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours See if that helps Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny But now, you're contractually obligated So dance, you fucking monkey Dance, monkey, dance Welcome to the show This is Bo, this is his show And Bo likes to dance like this Welcome to the show This is Bo, this is his show And Bo takes off his pants like this Play an invisible drum Play an invisible trumpet Drink some invisible water Oh shit, that water's real Bo wants to make you feel comfortable Bo wants to make you feel comfortable Bo wants to make you feel comfortable So sit back, relax, and enjoy A healthy dose of Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Prolonged eye contact (prolonged eye contact) Lick your lips to make it more comforting Do you want to see a magic trick? Do you want to see a magic trick? Do you want to see a magic trick? Then pick a card, any card Psych Magic isn't real, you idiot (read a book) Magic isn't real, you idiot (read a book) Magic isn't real, you idiot (read a book) Magic isn't real Or is it? And at that moment, Bo's twenty year-old cynicism melted into childlike wonder He never knew there could be so much magic in the world It's a world of possibilities, Bo What do you want to do first? Run? Yeah, sure you can run Fly? Well, yeah, you can fly What? What are you, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Stop, stop it The fu- you fucking idiot Stop Stop Stop Anyways In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by The troll spoke thus: "Alright, for the last time, man I'm not a troll, I'm homeless Okay, do you have any spare change? Okay, that's a used napkin I don't want that No, no, stop, just You know what? Leave Just leave Please leave" And then, as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage He saw a unicorn, with five horns, right in front of him And the penta-corn spoke thus "Hello, Bo I've been looking for you for quite a long time" He was safe For now But the dark thoughts would soon return (It's Godzilla) It's so hard to be a lizard It's hard to be a lizard (what did we do god? What did we do) (he killed my wife) Tiny arms, itchy gizzards (that monster killed my wife, why is he singing?) It's hard to be a lizard (he's a monster) (why?) But it's harder to segue Is he skiing? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? What? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? Huh? Or is he in a gay porn? Here's a hint He's in a gay porn Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying So give them the real thing My voice is so fucking natural It's naturally good, naturally good Naturally good This is the end of the song at the beginning of the show Welcome to the show That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid We're uh- recording part of the CD tonight And yeah, good to start off with eight minutes of mime jokes, for the CD I want to start off with a joke for the fellas I don't feel like I connect with my men in the audience As well as I do with my, uh, prepubescent girls Where my fellas at? Fellas? Yo fellas, don't you hate it when you're sucking a guy's dick And he ends up being a faggot? Am I right? These fucking faggots with their tasty dicks Alright, um- If you'd like to leave during the show The exit signs are marked clearly in red Sort of an orangish, reddish, fiery red So we'll be fucked if we need them But we can see them now Um, this show is called "what." And I hope there's some surprises Oh He meant to knock the water over Yeah, yeah, yeah But you all thought it was an accident But he meant to knock the water over Yeah, yeah, yeah Art is a lie Nothing is real So it's called "what." And uh, it's about Hey, cool it He meant to knock the water over Yeah, yeah, yeah But you all thought it was an acc- Take it off repeat, it won't This is the good thing We can edit all this In the actual CD recor- He meant to play the track again Yeah, yeah, yeah But you all thought it was an accident But he meant to play the water track a- Gain, gain, gain Art's still a lie Nothing's still real What's the deal with segues? Uh, food jokes Let's do some food jokes How you guys doing in the nosebleeds? Up-top? Yes, the nosebleeds Where the cocaine is done I had a hot dog for breakfast in Madison actually this morning Yeah, afterwards I felt like this Because I couldn't control my stools Alright, Jesus For the people listening, I moved the stool around a lot This is going to get difficult But I'm glad you like poop-based puns They'll be a majority of the show Never waste a moment Every moment could become a comedy moment See, thank you so much I um- --- Intro - Bo Burnham