Bit of a Sort

- Well, thank you for choosing technomatch - Oh, mais oui mais oui - Yes. So as you are no doubt aware, here we specialise in finding the best possible life partners for our clients. So why don’t you start us off by telling me what kind of person you’re looking for? - Well I guess, I guess what I’m looking for is um, a bit.. A bit of a sort, the sort of sort who’s not to tall and not too short Too Short? And not too old, and not too fat - but not too thin. Too Thin. The sort of sort who sends your heart into a spin, and makes it boom, and lights the room when she walks in. And she’s gotta have class. She’s gotta have style, a bit, refined? Yeah, yeah! With her own hair and her own teeth, if you don’t mind. Yeah that’s the sort of sort to suit me to a tee. Yeah that’s the sort of sort, to sort a bloke like me. -So are you getting this all down on your floppy discs or what not? -Yes. -Good, good, cos I don’t want you lumbering me with some old bow-wow who can’t tell the difference between a Liebfraumilch and a can of Tizer, you know what I’m saying? -Yes. Yes - d’you know I think I do. So, what you’re looking for is: A BIT OF A SORT! Yeah! The sort of sort to guide your ship back into port If you want. And make you smile, and make you dance, and make you sing! Oh, I’m not much of a singer The sort to be the Queen to your own King! Ooh a King, I like that The sort who’s keen. That sort of thing? You know what I mean. AND SHE’S GOTTA BE FINE! Woah, a natural ten. Maybe an eight. No, let’s call it a nine. Nine. With her own mind and in her prime and well defined. Yeah that’s the sort of sort who’s really up my street. Yes, that's the sort of sort to make it all complete. -Yeah, yeah you’re getting it! -Right! -Y’know I’m no stranger to the fairer s*x mind you, I’ve been engaged more times than a switchboard. -Ah. -Just never worked out... god knows why. -(SCOFF). Oh Yes, yes it’s a mystery. - Yeah, well, charm like laser beams always knocks ‘em dandy. So, uh where was we? - Oh yes… A BIT OF A SORT! The sort of sort who hangs around while I’m in court. The sort who makes you wanna work and wanna strive. And wanna live, and wanna give, and wanna thrive! And lets the world know I’ve arrived and I’m alive. The sort of sort who makes you break into a sweat. (Hold my calls) The sort of sort you’ll never forget or regret The sort of sort who makes your heart go into fits! The sort of sort who’s got a smashing pair of - eyes: the window to the soul. That’s where I wanna go. I’ve caught a glimpse but never been, and maybe there I’ll find, a love I can call mine. The one. The soul made of my dreeeeeeaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAms. (SNIFF) Old spice. Alright mate? Like I was saying: A BIT OF A SORT! The sort of sort for whom what wars there have been fought Who doesn’t mind when I’m home late and I’m half cut. Oh yes. The sort of sort who’s just as sweet, as sweet as a nut. And doesn’t moan, and doesn’t groan, and doesn’t tut! Yeah, good luck! And she’s gotta have class! She’s gotta have style! (Together) A bit refined, with her own mind, and in her prime. Yes, that’s the sort of sort that suits us to a tee. Yes, that’s the sort of sort for this report, who I’d have thought would suit a sort like me!