The Worst Pies in London

A customer! Wait! What's your rush? What's your hurry? You gave me such a... fright! I thought you was a ghost! Half a minute, can't ya sit? Sit ya down! Sit! All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks. Did ya come here for a pie, sir? Do forgive me if my head's a little vague. Ugh! What is that? But you'd think we had the plague. From the way that people keep avoiding! No you don't! Heaven knows I try, sir! But there's no one comes in even to inhale! Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale? Mind you I can hardly blame them! These are probably the worst pies in London. I know why nobody cares to take them! I should know! I make them! But good? No The worst pies in London Even that's polite! The worst pies in London! If you doubt it take a bite! Ugh! Is that just, disgusting? You have to concede it! It's nothing but crusting! Here drink this, you'll need it. The worst pies in London And no wonder with the price of meat what it is when you get it. Never thought I'd live to see the day. Men'd think it was a treat findin' poor animals what are dyin' in the street. Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop. Does a business, but I notice something weird. Lately, all her neighbors cats have disappeared. Have to hand it to her! What I calls, enterprise! Poppin' pussies into pies! Wouldn't do in my shop! Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick! And I'm telling you them p***ycats is quick. No denying times is hard, sir! Even harder than the worst pies in London. Only lard and nothing more- Is that just revolting? All greasy and gritty? It looks like it's molting! And tastes like...we'll pity. A woman alone...with limited wind And the worst pies in London! Ah, sir Times is hard. Times is hard. Isn't that a room up there? Over the shop? --- The Worst Pies In London - Stephen Sondheim, Patti LuPone and Michael Cerveris